This a list of the featured quotes that appear in the first season of House M.D.. Check the episodes section to know the featured quotes.
If you know more quotes and they don't appear here, please feel free to add them.
Pilot[]
Rebecca: I just want to die with a little dignity.
House: There’s no such thing. Our bodies break down, sometimes when we’re ninety, sometimes before we’re even born, but it always happens and there’s never any dignity in it. I don’t care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass, its always ugly. Always! You can live with dignity, you can’t die with it.
House: People choose the paths that gain them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort.
Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office 20 minutes ago. House: Really? Well, that's odd, because I had no intention of being in your office 20 minutes ago.
Cuddy: Oh, I looked into that philosopher you quoted. Jagger. And you're right. You can't always get what you want, but as it turns out, if you try sometimes, you get what you need.
Cuddy: The son of a bitch is the best doctor we have.
Paternity[]
Foreman: Look, I'm sorry. I can explain this as best I can, but the notion that you're gonna fully understand your son's treatment and make an informed decision is... is kind of insane. Here's what you need to know. It's dangerous. It could kill him. You should do it.
Chase: It doesn't necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain.
House: Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier.
Cameron: What about sex?
House: Well, it might get complicated. I mean, we work together. I'm older, certainly, but maybe you like that.
Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.
House: Huh. Nice cover.
Cuddy: How's your hooker doing?
House: Sweet of you to ask. Funny story. She was going to be hospital administrator, but she just hated having to screw people like that.
Occam's Razor[]
House: Occam's Razor--the simplest explanation is almost always that somebody screwed up.
Chase: (talking about House) He thinks outside the box. Is that so evil?
Foreman: He has no idea where the box is.
House: How are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there's a critical shortage, I could run home.
Cuddy: No you couldn't.
House: Nice.
- "Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning. This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a Board certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind."
- ―Gregory House introducing himself.