House Wiki

Season Seven Episodes:

  1. Now What?
  2. Selfish
  3. Unwritten
  4. Massage Therapy
  5. Unplanned Parenthood
  6. Office Politics
  7. A Pox on Our House
  8. Small Sacrifices
  9. Larger than Life
  10. Carrot or Stick
  11. Family Practice
  12. You Must Remember This
  13. Two Stories
  14. Recession Proof
  15. Bombshells
  16. Out of the Chute
  17. Fall From Grace
  18. The Dig
  19. The Last Temptation
  20. Changes
  21. The Fix
  22. After Hours
  23. Moving On


For the first season episode where House gives a lecture to medical students, see Three Stories.
Colleen: "They’re morons."
House: "Agreed."
Colleen: "No, not the patients, the kids. It doesn’t matter how you stole it, what matters is “Why?”"
— Two Stories

"Two Stories" is a 7th season episode of House which first aired on February 21, 2011. It was directed by Greg Yaitanes. Cuddy's attraction to House has worn a bit thin and when he behaves as usual, Cuddy tells him she's fed up with his selfishness. In an attempt to do a good deed, House agrees to attend a career day at an exclusive private school and proceeds to tell various medical stories of questionable accuracy to the children. In the process, House also pokes fun at various cultural references, such as the movie "A Few Good Men" and "Pulp Fiction." However, the experience for everyone involved soon starts to resemble a disaster movie of epic proportions. House winds up in the principal’s office with a young couple who want to know about why House’s relationship with Cuddy is suffering. However, despite the disaster at career day, House comes out of it with a new appreciation for how important Cuddy is to him. In the middle of all this, the team tries to treat a patient with increasingly severe breathing problems and are hampered by House’s distraction with his relationship problems.

This is another episode told in Anachronic Order, as is, not coincidentally, one of the films referred to therein - Pulp Fiction. Although titled "Two Stories", the treatment of the patient forms a third and House's interaction with the students at career day a fourth. However, the real focus of the episode are the two relationships - the further development of Huddy and its parallel with the young couple Zachary and Colleen. The parallels between the two relationships couldn't be clearer. Both relationships feature a pair of classic overachievers who have been attracted to each other for quite some time but haven't been able to show their feelings for each other until now. Colleen's anger with Zachary perfectly mimics Cuddy's frequent frustration with House and Zachary's stunned silence also mimics House's own speechlessness after Cuddy rakes him over the coals. However, this time Cuddy isn't taking him to task for endangering a patient or embarrassing her in front of the whole hospital. She's mad at him for a series of trivial offenses she believes shows he doesn't take their relationship seriously.

House's interaction with the fifth graders also foreshadows his later bonding with Rachel Cuddy. House has never seemed to have much use for children, often thinking them idiots. However, like many introverts, House finds the children's lack of an internal censor refreshing compared to the forced social niceties of adults. House starts out by trying to be impressive, but when he lets down his guard and starts being himself, the fifth-graders start becoming more interested in him and what he has to say. When he tries to extricate himself from their clutches, they beg him to stay. 

In the end, House's exploration of Zachary and Colleen's budding relationship gives him the kick he needs to repair his own.


Two young people are awkwardly trying to kiss when one of the teachers tells them to come with her. They find themselves in the principal’s office, where they see House sitting on the detention bench as well.

The scene goes back to three days earlier, where Foreman and House burst in on some university students. House tells them the laptop he has is password protected and he needs them to hack it. Foreman does an environmental scan while House tells them their roommate is very sick. House grabs a sip of one student’s drink. When the student stars complaining, House takes a gun and shoots one of the roommates. He then points the gun back at the student who was complaining.

The scene shifts to a time two hours before the detention hall. It turns out House was describing the shooting to a room full of incredulous students at Career Day. One of the students thinks he’s lying, but House tells him to prove it. The student comes up with a few good points, one of which is the scene House described is straight out of “Pulp Fiction”.

Back at the detention hall, House is telling the students he had no idea who called him out. They think House is there to complain about the student, but he says he would never snitch and he’s trying to dig himself out of a hole, but found himself digging a bigger hole. Neither side wants to tell the other what trouble they’re in, but House notices the female student’s black eye. He realizes it’s a few days old. The male student says he will tell House about the black eye if House agrees to tell them why he’s there.

House starts telling them about the Career Day presentation again. He admits to the students he didn’t want to be there, so he tried to make his story more interesting. He also tells the students that doctors almost always search patients' homes - they don’t tell them so they won’t hide things. When a student asks why patient’s would hide things, House says it’s because patients are morons and everybody lies. Another student points out that if everyone lies, House must be lying. House says not everyone lies all the time. House tries to wrap it up when the teacher calls him Dr. Hourani and asks him to describe what he actually does during a routine physical.

House describes a clinic patient who complains that her vagina is numb. He asks her how often she uses her vibrator. The teacher cuts him off, and asks him to describe his typical day, but House says he never sees more than one patient a day. The teacher wants to move on, but one of the students asks what he does the rest of the day. The teacher presses for an answer.

House starts talking about his relationship with Cuddy and asking her for sex. He follows Cuddy to her office, but she says she’s busy. House wants her to make time for him in her schedule again. When he puts his hand on her phone to keep her from dialing out, she slams the receiver on his hand and calls him the most selfish, self-centered son-of-a-bitch on the planet and tells him she can’t deal with him anymore.

House thinks he is done with career day, but one of the students asks what a vibrator is.

Back at the principal’s office, the girl asks why Cuddy was so mad. House thinks the reason doesn’t help the story, but she says it’s the only part of the story that matters. He wants to know about her black eye, but she wants to know what the problem with Cuddy is if it isn’t “kissing”. House clams up, and the boy finally admits they were busted for kissing behind the school. House still wants to know about the black eye, and when the girl says they didn’t actually kiss, House accuses her of being a tease. She denies it, but House says the evidence points to the opposite conclusion. He says he wants to hear their story now.

The kids tell about being in the play yard two days before where the girl publicly goes up to the boy and tells him she would never kiss him. The boy admits that happened, and the girl says that proves she isn’t a tease. She still wants to know why Cuddy is mad at him.

House starts describing the roommate‘s case. He’s complaining to the team about trouble breathing and chest pain. Chase and Taub are hitting on the nurse. The patient starts coughing up blood. Masters says they need a chest CT scan, but Foreman pulls rank and says no tests get done unless he as senior fellow approves them. Masters tells Chase and Foreman they can’t sexually harass the nurse and goes to tell Cuddy. Foreman finally orders the CT.

However, it’s just another story House was telling the class. They ask whether what Chase and Taub was doing was sexual harassment, but he tells them it’s okay if you’re good looking. One student says that Taub was short with a big nose, but House says that’s not the only thing that must be big. He thinks House is lying again, but when House tells him he can’t handle the truth, the other student says it’s obviously “A Few Good Men”. The teacher finally gives up on House and moves on to an ad man. The students want to know what happened to the patient. The teacher is about to give in when House admits the patient is dead. However, the students think he’s lying again and keeps pressing. The teacher asks “Hourani” to finish quickly.

The roommate is obviously in distress and the doctors think he much have a bacterial strain that’s resistant to antibiotics. He coughs up what appears to be his lung. House insists it really happened. He tells the students he only works on one patient at a time and only cases where other doctors can’t figure out what is wrong. The roommate is in the hospital right now.

He tells them about Masters asking how that was even possible. The team has ruled out infection and cancer. House is still obsessing about Cuddy’s password protected laptop. Masters tells them about the patient and his roommates working on new computer chips and suggests a toxic solvent. House realizes he needs to do an environmental scan and volunteers to help. However, he orders a lung biopsy for sarcoidosis.

The students realize that the computer is Cuddy’s. House makes a reference to “Ghostbusters”. They think Cuddy is mad because House looked through her computer, but he tells them Cuddy was already mad and he was trying to fix things. One of the other guests calls House a moron.

House starts describing how they got Cuddy’s laptop, but a student says the scene is straight out of “Thunderbolt & Lightfoot”. He pegs the next one from “The Thomas Crown Affair”. The ad man wants to speak and House is willing to let him, but the students protest.

House finally admits he released hydrogen sulfide and ammonia into the clinic area and cried out that there was a gas leak. Wearing nose plugs, he slipped into Cuddy’s office to get her computer.

Back in the principal’s office, the girl says it doesn’t matter how he stole the computer, she wants to know why. Apparently, Wilson asked the same question. House says he knows why Cuddy is mad, but he needs to find out how to make her un-mad by reading her personal journal. He admits she’s mad simply because he was acting the way he usually does. He needs to do something big to make it better. Wilson starts giving House possible passwords, but they don’t work. Foreman comes in with the roommate’s case, and House tells him to figure it out - he’s busy.

The students don’t believe that House didn’t work on the case. He tells them that patients die every day and not all of them are interesting.

Back in the principal’s office, the girl is still pressing him. House tells her Cuddy is mad because she’s genetically predisposed to making a big deal of things. The girl says that she takes that to mean Cuddy is mad because she’s a girl. House figures the girl is mad at him too, but the boy says she’s not like that. House reminds him of what she said, but the boy says he knew she didn’t mean it.

They describe another scene in the play yard when they are jumping rope together. He wins and there was bet involved - he asks for a kiss. He believes she deliberately lost to make it look like she didn't want to kiss him so her friends wouldn't tease her. However, she says didn’t think she was going to lose. She starts pressing again about why Cuddy was so mad.

He tells her that he was at Cuddy’s getting ready to leave. She asks him to take out the garbage, but he complains his leg hurts too much. She starts her yoga and hears Rachel Cuddy calling for her. House then admits he left the toilet seat up, used Cuddy’s toothbrush and just left a mess lying around. The girl thinks that’s gross and that Cuddy is mad he doesn’t listen. He then tells her that Cuddy was upset about it because he destroys the toothbrush when he uses it and Cuddy keeps insisting he use the toothbrush he bought for her. The girl realizes he only listens to Cuddy to tell her that she’s wrong. House tells her that no one else at the hospital stands up to Cuddy because she’s the boss. They finally tell House how she got the black eye. They were playing floor hockey and he hit her in the eye with the puck. The girl presses about the laptop.

Dr. Hourani finds House at his desk working on Cuddy’s laptop. House finally breaks into Cuddy’s journal. Hourani throws House out of his office and takes back his office key. House compliments Hourani’s wife as he leaves and after a moment, Hourani realizes House has been going through his things and has found an erotic photo of her.

The cat is out of the bag at Career Day because the class thought House was Dr. Hourani. The two kids realize that’s why House is in the principal’s office. Foreman calls House and tells him that the patient tested negative for sarcoidosis. House wants him to treat for it anyway. The boy wants to know why House was using Hourani’s name, but the girl wants to know about the journal. The boy is skeptical it’s about the toothbrush and garbage, but House tells them he went back and Cuddy wouldn’t let him in because of it. Cuddy tells House he’s always right and always has to be right, but House doesn’t understand why that’s a problem. She wants him to care about what other people want, and accuses him of not caring about her.

The girl repeats that his problem is that he doesn’t listen to Cuddy. The boy wants to know what he did to make it right. House tells them Cuddy wanted to get Rachel into the very school they‘re in, but couldn’t unless she found an “in”. House knew Sanford Wells was also on the board of the school and asks on Cuddy’s behalf, knowing she never would because she’s too ethical to use her connections like that. Wells asks him for a favor.

Meanwhile, House is still insisting the roommate has sarcoidosis. However, while he’s talking on the cell phone and driving, he runs into the ad man’s car. House identifies himself as Hourani. He explains to the kids that the accident was no more than 20% his fault.

Back in the classroom, House is still trying to claim he’s Hourani, but the students aren’t buying it, and the ad man comes to look at his identification. They get into a fight when the teacher who caught the students kissing comes in to restore order.

The boy wonders why House hasn’t taken off. He thinks that Cuddy is going to find out somehow. The boy insists he would be taking off, but the girl contradicts him. She tells House that the day before, he couldn’t go through with the kiss and he admitted cheating on the jump rope bet. She tells House to stop playing games with Cuddy. The boy tells House that the girl may be bossy, but she’s usually right. The principal comes to the office.

The principal asks House if he’s insane or stupid. He asks for another option, but she won’t give him one. He admits he was only thinking of himself. The principal has spoken to Wells and knows about Cuddy. She tells him that the ad man has probably already called the police about him. House asks her to let Rachel into the pre-school, but the principal still thinks that House is doing this to help himself. The principal assures House that she knows what it’s like to need somebody, but that she also knows what it’s like to be responsible and that House had better grow up. House sees a copy of “The Princess and the Pea” and realizes something. He asks to be excused.

He goes back to the roommate and tells him it’s food - small enough to go down the wrong pipe but too big to be washed out in a bronchial lavage. It wouldn’t show up on scans or respond to treatment. House schedules exploratory surgery. He thinks the patient inhaled a pea.

House goes to see Cuddy to apologize. Cuddy says he should be apologizing to Wells. House says he was trying to look out after Cuddy and Rachel’s needs. Cuddy points out he tossed her computer in the trash, but House said he put it in the trash knowing the janitor would find and return it. He asks for another chance. He admits he was himself at the career day. He goes to leave, but she invites him for dinner. He’s brought his own toothbrush.

Major Events[]

  • House attends a career day under the name of "Dr. Hourani."
  • House parodies popular films such as "Pulp Fiction", "Thunderbolt and Lightfoot", "Ghostbusters", "Thomas Crown Affair" and "A Few Good Men."
  • House tells stories that feature highly exaggerated versions of Taub, Chase, Foreman, and Masters.
  • Cuddy is mad with House because he left the toilet seat up, used her toothbrush, and refused to take out the garbage because of his leg pain.
  • The environment of this episode is similar to the episode "Three Stories."
  • House blows his cover when he reveals that he isn't Dr. Hourani.
  • Sanford Wells reappears in this episode.
  • It's discovered that House went into the school in order to request an acceptance for Rachel Cuddy.

Zebra Factor 3/10[]

Bronchial obstructions are very common and can be caused by a wide variety of conditions as well as the inhalation of a small object. About three in 1,000 people every year suffer from some form of bronchial obstruction, although it is usually due to some sort of infection or other internal disease. 

Trivia & Cultural References[]

  • The name of the school is "Brye Park Elementary School".
  • Pulp Fiction is a 1994 film directed by Quentin Tarantino about the lives of several groups of criminals that intersect over the course of a given day.
  • House's pistol is the M1911 .45 ACP semi-automatic pistol, nickel-plated similarly to the one used by John Travolta's character in Pulp Fiction (Samuel L. Jackson's character used a 9mm Luger).
  • The boy character is named after the 12th president of the United States.
  • Aristotle was a philosopher and scientist in Ancient Greece. He was a student of Plato and Alexander the Great's tutor. The modern concept of learning for learning's sake that drives most university education started with the academy created by Aristotle. Most of the scientific principles he expounded were accepted without question until the Renaissance. However, the script's reference to Aristotle is inaccurate, as noted in "Goofs" below. 
  • Brad Pitt is an American actor and producer.
  • More about what a Vibrator is.
  • Chicago is the third largest city in the United States. By coincidence, it's also where Alison Cameron is supposed to be from.
  • A Few Good Men is a 1992 film directed by Rob Reiner about a Navy lawyer defending two enlisted men who were involved in the death of a fellow soldier.
  • Allons-y (French for "let's go") is the catch phrase of the Tenth Doctor
  • Ghostbusters is a 1984 film about a group of paranormal investigators who eliminate paranormal phenomena in New York City. It was the most financially successful comedy film ever made to that point.
  • Thunderbolt and Lightfoot is a 1974 film directed by Michael Cimino about a small-time criminal who meets a bank robber and, to settle a dispute, they attempt to rob a bank together.
  • The cannon in the office break-in sequence is an Oerlikon 20mm anti aircraft gun, nearly identical to the one used in Thunderbolt and Lightfoot (House's lacks an ammunition drum).
  • The Thomas Crown Affair was a 1968 film directed by Norman Jewison starring Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway about a multi-millionaire who directs a bank robbery to break up the banality of his life. It was re-made in 1999 with Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo.
  • Cinderfella is a 1960 comedy directed by Frank Tashin and starring Jerry Lewis reversing the male and female roles of the “Cinderella” story.
  • Teen Vogue is a publication of Advance Publications aimed at a younger market than their flagship publication Vogue.
  • Lebanon is a small country on the eastern side of the Mediterranean Sea. "Hourani" is a Lebanese name, but is also fairly common in nearby Jordan.
  • The Princess and the Pea is a fairy tale by Hans Christian Andersen about a woman whose royal birth is proved by her sensitivity to a pea buried under a pile of mattresses.
  • House calls Dave the ad man "Don." This is a reference to "Mad Men," the popular TV series.
  • House's reference to a "tossed salad" for lunch with Cuddy refers to analingus.
  • House refers to the children ratting him out as "Those meddling kids!" This is a reference to what villiains usually say to Scooby-Doo and his gang after they, say, reveal he is a fake.
  • House shows his license to the principal, indicating that his address is 221B Baker Street. It also shows his birthday as May 15, 1959.
  • The "thin envelope" is a metaphor for a rejection letter from an academic institution. If a person is accepted, the school will usually send a large package of material for admissions purposes.
  • Red Dead Revolver is a Western-themed shooting video game developed by Rockstar Games. Its far more successful spiritual successor, Red Dead Redemption, had already been out for almost a year at the time this episode aired. Seeing as Red Dead Revolver was 7 years old at the time of this episode, it's possible the writers meant to reference Redemption instead. However, Red Dead Redemption being a PlayStation 3 game didn’t have the ability to enter cheat codes, whereas PlayStation 2 era Red Dead Revolver would have. It would seem regardless of familial wealth which paid for their education the children at Bryce Park played previous generation consoles.
  • Between Larger than Life and You Must Remember This, Peter Jacobson's credit appeared above Jesse Spencer's in the opening sequence. However, Spencer returns to the higher credit position with this episode.
  • That's what she said is the American idiom used to point out an accidental double entendre. For example, if someone said "It's too large for that hole". 
  • House takes liberties by stereotyping his team's characteristics when describing them at Career Day. Foreman is depicted as wanting to be in charge, but eventually going along with what everyone else wants. Masters is a snitch. Taub is only concerned about having affairs (like with Maya and Ruby), and Chase is into threesomes like the one he had in Small Sacrifices.
  • In the dubs in a one line-multilanguage video, House shouts "I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?"


  • A pea would almost certainly show up on a CT. A CT is capable of resolving foreign bodies as small as 1mm across and a pea is much larger than that.
  • In addition, a pea stuck in a bronchial tube probably wouldn't present with symptoms this severe. It certainly wouldn't result in the coughing up of a piece of lung unless the pea came out at the same time. The foreign body would have to be much larger (and easier to find) to cause those symptoms.
  • Sarcoidosis is not a diagnosis of exclusion as there are reliable tests for it. In fact, House ordered tests to confirm it.
  • House ordered a c-ANCA, which is the right test for granulomatosis with polyangiitis, but not sarcoidosis.
  • Negative sputum and blood cultures can't rule out bronchitis. A sputum culture will only confirm bronchitis if it is caused by bacteria. Bronchitis is caused by bacteria no more than 15% of the time. It's also difficult to get a good sputum culture, so a false negative is a distinct possibility. A blood culture would be non-definitive as bronchitis is almost never caused by bacteria in the blood.
  • If a patient is admitted with low oxygen saturation numbers, the only appropriate course of action is to give them oxygen.  Here, they waited until the patient started getting worse before starting him on oxygen.
  • House refers to "Aristotle" when challenged on the apparent paradox of "Everybody lies." However, the paradox is usually called the Epimenides paradox, and there is nothing about it in Aristotle's writings.

Continuity Error[]

House's driver's license shows his birthday as 5/15/1959, flatly contradicting No Reason, which gives his birthday as 6/11/1959, Hugh Laurie's real birthday. This is rather common on long-running shows. For instance, in Magnum, PI, Magnum's birthday is seen in several episodes and was never the same twice, and his birth year is frequently changed to conform to the needs of episodes in which his age is an issue or plot point. On House, however, 1959 remains consistent. This date is also shown as House’s birthday on scans shown in After Hours.

Medical Ethics[]

  • This isn't the first episode, and wasn't the last, where House completely blew off his responsibilities towards the patient due to external distractions. He essentially abandoned the patient's treatment to his team. However, House was still the attending physician on the case, which meant he had to approve all the treatment choices. A fellow, who is a qualified specialist, must still remember that they must be effectively supervised by an attending because, despite their qualifications, within the educational hierarchy of a teaching hospital, they have no more authority than a senior resident when it comes to patient care. When House started expressing disinterest in the case and was unavailable, he should have been reported up the chain of command to the Dean of Medicine so that Cuddy could discipline him. The failure to report House was the responsibility of all the fellows and they should have been disciplined for their failure to report. 
  • Chatting about the clinic patient's masturbatory habits to a room of non-doctors was ethically questionable at best. Although House technically stayed within the rules by not giving any identifying information about the patient, most hospitals discourage this type of "shop talk". However, House would be within the ethical rules for discussing the case with his team as an example of diagnostic procedure. 


Reviews of this episode were decidedly mixed. Blogcritics thought it was one of the better episodes of Season 7, but others, like Polite Dissent, just trashed it. Many critics hoped it would be as good as Season One's Three Stories, but although even the positive critics felt it was one of the best episodes of the season, no-one thought it lived up to its namesake.

  • IMDB users rated the episode a 9.1 with 52.1% rating it a 10.
  • users rated the episode an 8.5 and picked Haley Pullos as the Most Valuable Performer
  • thefutoncritic ranked it 39th on their list of the top 50 television episodes of the year.


House: First she got mad, then I stole her computer to fix things. And then we got the case.
Ms. Urwin: Wait. So you tried to fix your relationship by stealing her computer?
Dr. Gregory House: ...Well, when you say it like that - yes.
Female Lawyer: Looks like you're the moron.

Dr. Gregory House: Who put sand in her vagina?

Dr. Gregory House: You got a problem with that?
Brett: Uh yeah. Actually, I do. You barge into our room. Start looking through our personal private stuff, demand I hack into a computer that I can safely assume doesn't be -[House fires a shot into the couch]
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? Please continue, you were talking about personal privacy. You finished? Allow me to retort.

Colleen: Why would they hide something that could be killing them?
Dr. Gregory House: Because they are morons. They're all morons, and everybody lies.

Martha Masters: We need to get a Chest CT.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Excuse me I'm the senior team member. Which means we don't need anything unless I say we need to.
Dr. Chris Taub: [to a nurse] Do you want to have an affair?
Dr. Robert Chase: [to the same nurse] Do you want to have a threesome?
Martha Masters: You can't talk to her like that! I'm telling Cuddy. [Masters leaves]
Dr. Eric Foreman: We need a Chest CT.
Dr. Chris Taub, Dr. Robert Chase: [simultaneously] Get it yourself!

Dr. Gregory House: Who password protects a computer they keep in a locked desk in a locked office?
Martha Masters: Someone who works with someone who thinks it's okay to break into other people's homes.

Dr. Gregory House: Oh grow up. If porn was bad why would there be so many nuns in it?
Dr. James Wilson: Why is she mad?
Dr. Gregory House: I was myself which by the way she's supposed to love unconditionally.

Dr. Hourani: I must be in the midst of a Complex Partial Seizure because I know you are *not* sitting at my desk.
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry. Ran out of lotion in mine.
Dr. Hourani: Get the Hell out of here!
Dr. Gregory House: Can't. This is the only place left that Cuddy would never look for me. Still haven't found what I'm looking for yet.
Dr. Hourani: I can tell what you're about to find is my foot in your ass!

Dr. Gregory House: Prep him for exploratory surgery and start the betting.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Betting?
Dr. Gregory House: I got a hundred bucks says it's a pea.

Dr. Gregory House: She recently got the thin envelope from her first choice preschool. But it turns out, it was her fake first choice because she was convinced she couldn't get her kid into her actual first choice without a substantial donation or an inside connection.
Sanford Wells: If it's Brye Park, I'm afraid she's right.
Zachary Taylor: Wait, that's our school.
Colleen: What other school would he be talking about? Just finish the story.
Dr. Gregory House: You know, I gotta tell you, there's bossy, which can be sexy, and then there's bitchy...
Colleen: Finish the story.
Dr. Gregory House: [resumes his story] You obviously know this because you're on the school board, which puts you on the inside and being the CEO here obviously connects you to Cuddy.
Sanford Wells: Well, if we're so connected, why isn't she the one asking?
Dr. Gregory House: Because she thinks it's wrong to use connections to cut in line. I don't.
Sanford Wells: I might be able to help.
Dr. Gregory House: Fantastic.
Sanford Wells: But I could use a favor as well.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Just got a case from the ER. Rutgers student came in with what looked like acute bronchitis. But there's nothing in his blood or sputum cultures.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't you think it's time you people stop looking to the white man to solve all your problems?
Dr. Eric Foreman: His O2 sats are in the toilet. If we don't figure out what's attacking his...
Dr. Gregory House: So figure it out. I'm busy.
Sophie: That can't be true.
Dr. Gregory House: Why not?
Sophie: Cause if he was dying... I mean, you're a doctor.
Dr. Gregory House: Patients die every day. Not all of them are interesting.

House: How often do you use your vibrator?
Carmen: Excuse me?!
House: Your battery-operated Brad Pitt.

House: They're all morons and everybody lies.
Gabe: Wait, if everybody lies, then that means you're lying right now.
House: I didn't say everybody always lies... Aristotle.

Colleen: I clearly didn't lead him along or anything like that, which proves that I'm not a tease. So why is your girlfriend mad at you?
House: I'm getting a kind of bossy vibe. [to Zach] I take it you're into that?
Colleen: [to Zach] Don't answer. [to House] Your turn.

Sophie: Isn't that like sexual harassment?
House: Not if you're good-looking.

House: Any questions?
Alex: (raises his arm) What's a vibrator?

Sophie: How is it even possible?
House: That's what she said! (after noticing that the class keeps looking at him) No, seriously, she really said that.
Masters: (flashback) How is it even possible?

Cuddy: I just need some time alone.
House: Because I used your toothbrush?!
Cuddy: And you didn't take out the trash.
House: That's insane. You know that, right?
Cuddy: You do whatever you want. Always.
House: I said I was sorry! I was still half asleep. I wasn't paying attention!
Cuddy: And you're always right. And not you always think you're right. You are actually always right, because that's all that matters.
House: That doesn't even make sense. You want me to be wrong?
Cuddy: I want you to care about more than just what you want. What you think. You need me, House. You may even love me, but you don't care about me, and deserve someone who does.

Ms. Fields: Dr. House, can I ask you a question? Are you insane or just stupid?
House: Is there a third option?
Ms. Fields: Actually, I don't think there is.
House: I'm sorry. I just wasn't thinking. I mean, I was, but only about myself, which is apparently the way I am. Usually. Not always. I need to convince someone of that.
Ms. Fields: And you think you can do that by getting someone to pull strings to get her daughter into our pre-school. I spoke to Sanford Wells.
House: You can call the police. You can turn me in for lying at the accident.
Ms. Fields: I'm sure Mr. Dryden has already taken care of that.
House: Let her daughter in. She's a great kid and Dr. Cuddy is a great mom. They'll fit in perfectly here.
Ms. Fields: And how exactly does admitting her daughter prove how unselfish you are? It seems like you're still doing it to help yourself, not anyone else.'
House: I don't know. I just know that I need to do something. I need her in my life. Do you know what it's like to actually need someone?
Ms. Fields: Yes. I do. But I also know what it's like to have responsibilities. Maybe it's time you grew up.


Release Dates[]

  • United States - February 21, 2011 on Fox
  • Canada - February 21, 2011 on Global
  • Australia - March 7, 2011 on Channel 10
  • United Kingdom - March 10, 2011 on Sky1
  • Finland - March 15, 2011
  • Hungary - May 25, 2011
  • Netherlands - September 8, 2011
  • Germany - October 4, 2011 on RTL
  • Czech Republic - November 28, 2011 on TV Nova
  • Sweden - November 29, 2011 on TV4
  • Poland - December 1, 2011 on TVP2
  • Slovakia - May 31, 2012 on STV1
  • Japan - March 19, 2013
  • Finland - May 13, 2013 on MTV3

In Other Languages[]

  • France and Quebec - Comme à l'école (As.or/and at school - The French title is essentially a sentence fragment, usually used at the end of a sentence such as "At home and at school" or "At home or at school". "Comme" is usually translated as the proposition "as" but a good deal depends on context)
  • Germany - Fehlerkultur (culture/cultivation of mistakes)




1 Two stories

Trouble in paradise


2 Two stories

Reliable narration


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